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Sunday, September 08, 2013 // 6:09 am


Doojoon.





There's something about his "abusiveness" which I find extremely attractive. I could be a heart donor, I have an outrageous list of Korean male idols/actors I'm totally rooting for right now, doesn't make it easier when they all have monolids. I love monolids. ✌

I even bought their latest album, rofl.

I feel sooooooo lethargic. It doesn't make sense that I'm working in the office for literally more than twelve hours per day when I left my previous job to enjoy more balance between work and life outside it. I thought it was crazy enough to knock off at 8pm, but I survived completing my assignments at 10 nowadays. My sole encouragement was that I was paid overtime and I'm surrounded by awesome colleagues.

There's quite a bit of drama before I got this position. Too many last minute decisions that it almost felt like it must have been some kind of fate I get to know these people, 'cuz you know, it wouldn't be the same if that damned lawyer told me a week before I was supposed to start that he doesn't need a PA anymore, or if the call service centre did not meet their maximum headcount, or the business processing team leader suddenly (on my first day, mind you) felt that I don't match them with my past experience.

I'm just thankful that I got a job at all. I'm trying hard to enjoy every second of it, instead of being so unmotivated most of the time.

The thing is I still have not decided if I really want to further my studies. In many occasions, I want to stab myself for being so indecisive, especially when I was totally determined a few months ago. My choice of disciplines changes every fucking month and I'm not even exaggerating.

I always had this naive thought since my ITE days. I would imagine about the future and am so sure I would get that job, that apartment, that lifestyle. What I didn't ponder upon was how unsatisfying the journey was and how adrift I felt while working towards the desired end-point, only to realize I need to discover what I really want, again.

I'm embarrassed to admit this. Maybe this was some kind of transition phase so I can become a better whole, and my soul would be sharply hit one day by what it wanted to go for. LOL.

Before that, I need to sleep, I also need to start making effort to eat healthily and drink 8 cups of water everyday. I shall also listen lots of Beast & Jaejoongie so that I'm always in a positive mood. ^_^

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Wednesday, July 17, 2013 // 4:02 am



This entry was actually 'abandoned' in my drafts section for more than two weeks, but since I couldn't sleep at some crazy hour of 3am, I shall do some writing.

I have no idea if I wrote anything regarding my employment history here, or I probably did and they're all in my drafts lol. I have many, many outdated drafts.

Anyhow, I had submitted a resignation letter a few months ago and it was actually the second one after I had graduated. The first time was because I wanted to obtain a pay increase (which I did, very fortunate and I'm always thankful), and the second when I realize which discipline I had the most interest in if I would to pursue a bachelor degree.

It felt very bittersweet on my last day of work. Though there's a huge sense of relief with the knowledge that I do not have to face those stacks of problematic invoices anymore, I had grown quite personally on the job. It was surprisingly an emotional thing, especially when I'm not particularly close with my team members. Except maybe Phoebe, because she would always laugh at my jokes.



Sweet card from my not-close-and-very-awkward team members.

Even though Veronica only stamped her own name without writing any message whatsoever. LOL. I actually though it was a GENIUS idea when my colleagues (the close ones) were commenting how absurd and rude it was. I might start working on purchasing a stamp with my grand name and use it whenever I had no idea what to write on a card.

Just kidding. There's always Google.

Despite all the uncertainties, there's new excitement waiting for me to experience and a lot of things waiting for me to achieve. Though there were sometimes (too many times to be precise) when I felt extremely alone in the battlefield, but resilience. Press on.

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Tuesday, March 12, 2013 // 12:12 am




Kow Leong Kiang 
Beautiful Stranger / 2012 / Oil on linen / 120 x 150cm 


(inspired by ~Artsie-Escapee)

I'll tell you I'm an idealist and a visionary.
I swear it's true.

I'll tell you I'm not that beautiful but I have a heart that's made of glass that's as pretty but fragile. I'll point at my arms and describe every charm that laces me colorful. I'll explain how I want to succeed, achieve, create and believe. 

I'll tell you the way hope always whisper in my ears when everything is crashing in the ground and how your voice has healing properties and I'll join you parked on the couch watching football if you wouldn't want to go lamp shopping on a Saturday afternoon in the fall. I'll let you know that despite having my priorities straight I'll drop everything in a second for you.

I'll tell you how I love pasta and potatoes and everything carbohydrates, how I secretly adores the babiest pink color, pretty dresses and sweet girlies.

I'll tell you that you're the most handsome when smiling and how I love to laugh and I feel the happiest when with you and that iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou.


You're ten feet away with your prolonged gaze on me and the greatest hair and I'm longing to tell you but you never approached.

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Friday, February 08, 2013 // 12:04 am


My manager at work sent me an e-mail a few days ago. It was one of the very condemning ones I had received from my superiors. It goes along the line of reprimanding and criticizing how I "wasn't putting enough attention in all aspect of my work", "there wasn't any accuracy and quality" and the likes.

It was demoralizing and probably for the first time in my life I started doubting my own capabilities and if I was even suitable for this position. Was it a skill I would not be able to achieve despite my own hard work and determination to master?

Like an answer (or maybe more of an encouragement), I was appointed a task today-- double-checking all entries done by my colleagues.

You know what was ironic? That despite the "zero error"rule was slapped and nailed into everyone of us, and yet, at the end of the day, we are only mere humans.

Of course, I would never give myself such excuses that it was alright to make mistakes just because we are humans who are not perfect. I am however, comforted by the fact that I am not stupid, nor an idiot nor someone who is incapable.

I am not impatient, not desperate, not depressed but confident, functional and healthy. I promise myself I will work hard and get better. I will gain the strength and experience to cross the boundaries of a human being and aim for the "zero error" rule.


'Cuz we're humanoids
Yeah we're humanoids

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Thursday, November 29, 2012 // 2:30 am


I got in touch with a little girl who cried a little too often, so often that I didn't dare to accept for so long.

Despite all circumstances and regardless of the uncertainness she's carrying, you would find her holding onto the red balloon called Cassiopeia- and proud of it. She's such a child, always hoping and praying that she would get her favorite toy.

Compared to this little girl, I never imposed my wishes and hopes on them. I see five different people with five different dreams and five different destines. I stopped considering myself as part of Cassiopeia, because of the many reasons.

I lost every bit of my innocence and belief but this child... her passion and strength continues. She had always been wishing and waiting for a chance to watch a live performance of TV5XQ, especially "Love in the Ice" because it was the song which gotten her into them.

Whereas I managed to attend several concerts, fan-meetings and showcases. It felt amazing- to be waving the red light-sticks and balloons with hundreds or thousands of people, the fan-chants, the stage and their voices. Our boys never fail to give us an incredible experience with their live performances.

But there wasn't all five of them. There was only three, or two.

I cried along with the little girl today. I'm so sorry, that you might never had the chance to watch a TV5XQ performance. The three and two of them were amazing, but I know you love all five together.

Please retain the same innocence and passion, please remember all the good things and how happy and proud you once were, please don't forget to continue praying and wishing.

And I, I will live the reality for you.


To the brightest five stars, be happier, shine even brighter and soar even higher.

I love you.


But I'd long ago learned not to be picky in farewells. They weren't guaranteed or promised. 
You were lucky, more than blessed, if you got a good-bye at all.” 
― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

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1 Comments






Saturday, September 08, 2012 // 9:55 pm



Feeling too many things all at once and hating them all.

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2 Comments






Wednesday, February 01, 2012 // 10:53 pm


It's been a while.

I have been at a loss for words. My mind is unable to function let alone piece together anything coherent and useful.

I can't put up with the bullshit.
I need to isolate myself. 
I can't laugh at your meaningless joke.

These days I miss him so much.

 I wonder if he is still blaming himself, if he ever realized just how much of a new life he has given me, how hard he had made me smiled, how much he made me want to live, how hard I tried to live, for him, all because of him.

 And when all hard work goes unrecognised, frustrations unheard....

 Dear Jaejooong,
Thank you for breathing.

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4 Comments






Tuesday, June 28, 2011 // 9:49 pm


How long it was since I entered "blogger.com" in my address bar? A little more than a month, and so much had happened - both good and the bad. I have gotten myself a full-time job and I am also proud to say I have been handling things pretty well.



Today though, I'm feeling extremely upset.

To make the story short, I was invited for an interview, and of course, it was regarding our five dearest boys - it HAVE to anyway.

What I had expected was an article writing the reasons why we love these particular artistes, bring out the positive light in them, have our local readers understand more about the artistes we are supporting and that language differences are nothing when it comes to music.

But, no. I felt my stomach churn with disgust when I read the article today. Our words were manipulated into why we didn't like local artistes instead.

This is never what I wanted, and it makes me ill to the core how my full name was written on the paper -- categorized under "DBSK fan" in such situation.

I'm ashamed and no words can describe how sick I feel.

Apologies to my Cassiopeia family.

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1 Comments






Tuesday, May 24, 2011 // 4:28 am


I realized that I might be happier if I am with a girl. 


OK, that was a crazy random thought.

It just struck me that I can't, and I don't know how, to use the sweet tone to males. It is a seldom or a never that I'm able to feel anything close to "omg falling in love is so friggin amazing" or the cliche "butterflies in your stomach" thing -- I'm just going to left feeling fucking irritated instead.

Oh yeah, please do keep in mind that whenever I talk about anything like that, our precious five boys are a different story, lol.

When it comes to girls, however, it's just different, especially those that treat me well. Time to think about my sexuality? Lol, I kid.

Apart from that, I'm fascinated once again how fate actually works. I'm not sure if this particular special person will drop by here, but I'm really glad to meet her despite that I've no make-up on, my hair tied in a messy lazy ponytail and in the ugliest waitress uniform -- what circumstance!

Stilllllllll, it's nice, really. :'D



.
.
.



My sweetheart. I feel happiness swelling in me whenever I take a look at it. It's in the preeeeetieeest and babiest pink, I can't even lolol.

... My iPod died though. It was kind of depressing. I mean this lovely baby accompanied me through my bus/MRT rides, my midnight walks and when I was sad and needed an escape... things like that.



I love you even though you aren't anywhere near pink but a ugly blue. xx






And yes, I still love this man a lot. I know I haven't been talking much about him lately, but I still do kay.

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Saturday, April 16, 2011 // 1:27 am



And you guys know how much I adore it whenever JaeJung wears anything pink. ;D

It's too big, and too unfamiliar but something about the confinement is comforting and I am feeling at ease. The walls are painted a simple light grayish-brown; nothing is harsh, all flowing together in perfect harmony. I have the sense that I am at the beach, but the window is too far away and the peace I feel is too strong to rouse me.

It started off as something I thought was fundamental to survive and I'm very surprised how I had became a part of it. I'm glad, and it was all worth it - to walk out of the comfort zone and take the first step to get familiar with complete strangers. I felt new feelings entering my world, felt my heart surging in and absorbing the impact; I feel more like a human.

I really can't wait until the sun comes out.
The heat.
The happiness.
The adventures and more to come.

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Friday, March 04, 2011 // 3:55 am



"He shot right through my heart." Best cheesy line for this picture ever lol. ♥

I graduated from the school being very proud of myself. I never, once, had the thirst of getting better despite being glad about my assignment. It certainly had been 2 long weeks -- the despair of losing my thumb-drive and having to re-do every single thing, the stubborn codes which refused to appear correctly, the disappointing words by my lecturer telling me how much I had lacked, the countless midnights I struggled with the shitty program just so I can meet my expectations, and last but not least the feeling of achievement when things were done and compliments were heard. Delighted, it sure had measured my self-worth.
you know what I hate the most? - I hate the B+ the most. It's not a C - aka Can't-do-this kinda grade. Somehow, it's so much better if it is because a B++ = the half-ass or last minute effort of someone who has the full potential of being an A grade student but fall short because of his/her lack of determination. - PM Linh
After this project, I then decided that I don't want a "B" grade in my life anymore and I will never be satisfied by that -- very much because I had read that awesome entry linked above -- when I had so much to offer and so many places I can improve! I see so much potential in myself if I actually worked hard so never, ever, in my life am I going to say, "I will be glad if I had a 'B' grade."

So, I had known them for 2 years and despite that being short, has never made the difference of how I am right now than the past any less obvious. They like love letters, meeting up with their boyfriends while I cringe at cheesy and prefer chilling in-front of my computer. They adore ice-cream and cakes while I think chili padis can make people happy.

We had so much differences in us, but they were the very first friends who doesn't laugh at the love I had for my five boys, who doesn't hate me just since I am not social enough for them, who wasn't tired by my overly-emotional and unemotional self (lol), who never showed so much concern just because I'm a vegetarian... I appreciate their existence a lot, really. ;')

And and and and and, I had passed my final theory test! \O/
Dad suggested me taking auto, probably not having faith at me and I was agreeable to it at first but I thought it is a pity that I didn't give manual a try. It is a choice I took long enough to decide, but hey, I don't want to live in regrets that I didn't challenge myself with manual.

PS: I need more heels.
PPS: I hope I can continue holding onto these happiness for a very long time. There's so much being planned for the near future to grasp onto and I can't wait for them to be confirmed as well. xo

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Tuesday, February 01, 2011 // 3:23 am



I don't want to exist any more; I want to drive this fork -that I'm holding- into my eye, twisting it around and around, gathering more flesh and blood around its tongs. Pain and fear will begin to pulse rapidly through my nerves and veins. Welcome home! I will say to myself. Into the dark! -Let's rejoice! Weep wounds weep! Rid yourself of this putrid body! Go, be free!

I can't let him stay. He's going to leave me, only because he has something better to offer this world. I have nothing. Nothing but sad little words, a fake smile, and a weakening ambition to experience life, the universe and everything.

I think I need help. Although, I don't know what anyone can do for me. I'm the only one that can help myself and I seem to be lost in the woods. It's approaching dusk and darkness is about to open its sleep-encrusted eyes. In my idleness, during Darkness' night-time games, my feet grew roots that dug deep into the ground. I struggle with sanity in this reality of mine. I need my saner half but she's nowhere to be seen. I hear her crying out to me.. Softly.. And she's gone until I lay myself down to slumber. -That's when the voices come. I dream of trees; of dirt and the open sky. I need to find her. I'm preparing myself for what is to happen next.

If I die in the woods, keep me there. Do not bring me back to this meaningless jungle, with all these haggard faces and repulsive noises.

- http://ieatleaves.blogspot.com/2011/01/unknown-title.html

P/S: Never thought that I would need to smile; I don't need the extra friendship anyway, I can be alone, but now I realised how helpful it was - it gives me the ability to survive.

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2 Comments






Wednesday, January 26, 2011 // 7:26 pm


 
 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO KIM JAEJUNG!

I know I'm late, but what's blog when there's Twitter? Most importantly when the boys are there and not here lol.

Still this is an entry for him, because there's a need to.

To the most awesomeest man alive, and that still doesn't do him justice.

He is hot, he had the body to die for, he is talented, he is dorky and clumsy, he is smart, and he is everything I always thought a man should be.

Now multiply that by five hundred. You still don't get the picture. He is still better than your best dream.

I love you, and thank you for everything, literally.
I'll see you again this April, my hunny funny bunny. :D

王子様はすっごいセクシーだし、最高。

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Tuesday, January 18, 2011 // 1:06 am



ただ泣いて泣いて泣いてKissしたまま、さよなら...

I was way too easy on myself.  That I actually allowed, me, myself to get entangled in such a messy situation. I had completely got out of control and stepped onto the unfamiliar grounds which are forbidden. The terrible emotions brought me into reality that there's no point clinging onto nothingness and waiting for a miracle to happen. 

You can't anticipate further than this. You can't start hoping things in a positive light and gets you feeling even worse. You can't throw away your pride and dignity for something you aren't even sure of. You can't.... No more girl, no more.


Because if I do... I might really end up hating myself more than what I felt for you.

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Friday, January 14, 2011 // 1:34 pm


Had the most ridiculous dream, maybe not the most yet, but my dreams had been getting rather silly lately; most of the time involving my brother who is enjoying his life and having fun at Malaysia at this moment.

It must be because I miss behaving all ridiculous with him; or I just miss him, simply.

Then again, the dream was about elephants. (Mr. Kim JaeJoong is always relevant in my life. Thanks. And speaking of elephants, I have that as my layout now, don't ask me why, I don't even know.) But hey, I sent him a few texts despite knowing his cellphone is at home and not at Malaysia l m a o. Got to be crazy enough.

Thanks to those who interfered my prection beliefs, I need some advices.

Seriously, I don't think anyone can comprehend what that person's brain is whirling about. What's up with those artistic, indirect hints? Or were they mere things to get in my hair? (I see that I'm making you think now lol.)

No idea, and I've got no energy nor time to calculate the additions and divisions if I replied, "Nuuuuuhhhh, you are such a baaaars-steeerd, it's youuuuuuuuuuuuu like since feerrrabber, silly boy."

I just want my brother back. :(


P/S: Someone, grab the 5 members of TVXQ and lock them up in a room. Let them punch each other and lash it out. There's too much miscommunication that it's looking and sounding like a Korean drama - "fights between friends, big companies with lots of power, and a lot of really great music thrown in there." Ngl, I might be the first to laugh my heads off if I'm not part of this fandom.

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3 Comments






Saturday, January 08, 2011 // 4:13 am


It started out simply as a contract to be altered, now it had became an ugly war between ourselves and themselves and now, what's worse? The friendship lost.

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0 Comments






Thursday, January 06, 2011 // 5:29 am




The lengthy translations via twitlonger, they made me cry - too easily. It was depressing to know too much but you're the same helpless being.

Cassiopeia. Apart from being the largest fandom in the world, apart from how we never fail to give our boys' the biggest support and make them the number 1 on all charts, it was the unity we shared, our bond, our love and care towards each other despite total strangers that made me feel so proud to say, "Hey, I am a Cassiopeia."

I had never believe in any friendships particularly ever since that accident so long ago I couldn't remember how many years, but I had always thought Cassiopeia is on a different level, like family members, yet not quite there, like best friends, but definitely more than that.

I abhor -- more of disappointed though, how we are bashing because of our difference in our thoughts and thinkings. I'm not saying I am supportive of their decisions made, even though I am thwarted and I do feel that fan-sites should remain neutral despite everyone had their own opinions, but couldn't people see that bashing each other wouldn't be helping anything, it destroys the bond and harmony we previously had.

I truly hope that this fandom can remain how we were previously, even though our point of views are thoroughly different, but we should be more understanding rather than getting enraged, no matter how absurd their reasons are or how ridiculous of where they are coming from.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm one of the few who actually looked at TVXQ and saw five people with five separate dreams and five separate destinies.

Other than that... Jesus, I miss those days when I listened to TVXQ, feel every fibre of my body learning the every bit of their talent, even though tears do fall when "Love in the Ice" was played, they were at least tears of pride. Nowadays, I couldn't even click onto the tracks they previously sang as five... like the Pandora box, I don't have the courage to open the drawers in my heart; letting the past be buried deeply...

"She" - DBSK
... I'm so exhausted

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2 Comments






Monday, December 27, 2010 // 6:46 am


Cassiopeia, thank you.
Because our hearts had not changed. Because we are still here.
Therefore, I can still see such pretty pictures of you, and them.


It was October when I opened a Microsoft Word file and read through my past TVXQ anniversaries' entries, preparing to write a beautiful entry for our precious boys - something which I had not been doing much these days. My habits had not change in the past few years, whereby anniversaries and birthdays entries were months earlier written and scheduled to post at 11AM. That day, I forced my attention on the 4-word file name, but in spite of that, I was unable to type a single word.

I continued to open that file at least once a week, and I will invariably spend half a day staring at my white coloured keys, ending up closing the document. "I am so not inspired right now." I  will grant pardon to myself.

Yesterday, I read through all my previous blog entries, I read my joy with honour when TVXQ topped every charts or made another progress in their career, I read how I appreciate their talents with every fibre of my being, I read my tears of exasperation, of desperation to be understood, I read how my hopes and faith were raised, crashed and revived, I read my love for the five boys... 

I opened the 4-word file once again, and at last, I hit 'backspace' on my keyboard - deleting the number '6' and changing it to '7'. At that moment, I then realised another year had passed, another year had indeed passed.

What can I do? It seemed that it was impossible for me write a poetic post for their 7th anniversary like how I did for the previous years, I had so much to say though, the overflowing emotions and expressions I never got to fully expressed them, I wanted to write, scream my lungs out and tell every soul who are reading this entry.. I... I.... if only I can find the right words.

Can I forgive myself this time as well?

Words failed me but still a happy anniversary to the brightest five stars, let's be stronger, shine even brighter and soar even higher.

"As you do so. Our faith will be stronger." - Kim JaeJoong

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1 Comments






Wednesday, December 22, 2010 // 3:25 am


A realization, a heavy fog that has been lifted.
I wander the paths laid out in my head and the paths across this land.
One way or another, I walk alone and I will come to an end.
There, I will be forced to make a decision at a halt, ending my existence as a wanderer.

For years I have felt so hallow, so void of emotion. But today I sit here with absolutely nothing to do, and I'm thankful for the times that I carry too much upon my back. I've realized that I am full to the brim with emotions. I go day to day ignoring how much I feel for the sake of my sanity. If I stop to wonder, I just might tip over and spill. Today, I'm overflowing. I feel so much right now that everything hurts. My hands tingle with longing, my chest aches with love, and my head is swimming with highs and lows. My legs ache from the burden I put upon them on a daily basis. I wasn't hoping for this, nor did I really see any of this, but I am open to it and I am accepting it.

Today, I will lay in my bed and imagine where you are. Sitting beside you on your adventure. I'll read and become restless, entwining my hands through handfuls of bedsheets, imagining your fingers laced through mine. I could do something to keep my mind distracted, but I won't because I like the way you make me feel.

I miss you.



Their interviews and JYJ (especially JJ's) tweets are making me very depressed at 3:23AM. I feel like a huge mess.



See how the gently fallen snow melts in my hand.
Disappearing until nothing is left... like it was never there.
Doesn't it seem like the most important things are the most fragile...
We can't hold onto them, they just drift quietly away
- 明日は來るから by 東方神起

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Thursday, December 16, 2010 // 12:41 am



Will loving be the crime? Or, the suffering be the punishment?
I’m looking for an answer / If it is a nightmare, please wake me up
If I could only turn back the clock / I would smile once again

How are all the Cassiopeia today?

I thought of the line in Heading to the Ground that effected me deeply -- "The sun only rises when the sky is at its darkest. Therefore, the dimmer it is, the nearer we are to the sunrise."

With the latest news about JYJ performing at KBS 2010 Awards, Homin's (I'm still trying to get used to this old yet new term) Tohoshinki's single, TVXQ's comeback and Junsu's musical, I do actually feel that finally things had beginning to take shape.

It might not be five like we initially hoped for, but I couldn't ask for more from Santa Claus this year -- for our boys to be always happy, for our boys to stand on the stage and sing.

"All the good news these few days has been quite unnerving, in a good though weird way. I think Cassiopeia has been so uptight with every piece of news/rumor that we're no longer the same fandom compared to 2 years ago. We became more wary of the media/co-operations. And maybe in some ways, we've lost that bit of innocence in our belief that the world is more good than bad. (It probably is still more good than bad; just that we've been exposed to the dark side so much in recent times that we've become more discerning fan-girls/boys.) In other words, we've grown; we've matured through the tears, laughter, pains and triumphs.

At the same time, we're encountering two opposing forces that are uniting us and tearing us apart at the same time. But these forces come from within us. It's ultimately up to us to decide whether we'll let ourselves be destroyed by the divisive forces or become truly the best fandom by coming together as one. All the claims about being the best fandom in the world will come to naught if we allow ourselves to be divided in such critical times.

On a more positive and festive note, this fandom will undoubtedly receive the most from Santa this Christmas because we've been put through a non-stop roller coaster ride. I really think it's about time that this fandom be given a good, relaxing festive season. Here's an advance Merry Micky Christmas from me to all my fellow Cassies and our dearest boys. ♥" - @janetmphosis

Meanwhile, our red Cassiopeia lightsticks held high, glowing the brightest in the dark, I will continue to wished for their paths to cross each other one day.


the woman wants to remain undiscovered because she lies in a strange place completely out of view
he is set apart by being the one who comes to the very edge and thus is able to see the woman

out of what shadow does she come?

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0 Comments






Wednesday, December 15, 2010 // 1:34 am




When she continuously slept through the day and night, when she fully know she wasn't sleepy anymore but felt the need to sleep, thinking that she might just be merely too tired. When she was hungry during the day and night but chose to sleep it off, not that she did not feel the hunger, but she couldn't even feel the need to eat, not that she will die from it anyway.

It never occurred to her that there was something wrong with her. She had completely went out of track. It's crazy, how she actually admitted that she felt lonely, in tears, for the first time throughout her whole lifetime.  


Remember the days when all of us were still together, 
we felt so high and mighty, like nothing can separate nor bring us down?

Remember the days when you are my medicine box, 
when I will turn to you when I cry, and you would sound so comforting and I will smile?

These days, I don't even know who to exactly turn to when I feel sad. 
I'm so afraid to hear your voice, 
afraid to hear my heart shaking even louder than your words.


Like someone who had gone through too much in her life just to survive that putting the past behind seemed like an impossible task. At the faint traces of happiness that seemed to have crept into her life, she thought it was finally spring after a long cold winter, only to find her pushed further into sorrow and unhappiness.


This is a bit irrelevant, but Happy Birthday Junsu! ♥

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2 Comments






Saturday, December 11, 2010 // 6:07 pm


 
Even though we’re out of sight / There’s no need to fear anymore
The heart has been through all the hard times / Now it’s okay to try smiling
Just smile at me like this moment / I will share with you my happiness / just like you
Now I can feel you / The only person that I love / Is that someone is you

Had been looping Christmas-y songs by After School and AKB48 (omfzg) since yesterday that I really do think I'm crazy especially when I'm not a fan of happy tracks nor a Christmas person.

And YAY! A multi-coloured!happy blogskin finally. Plus it features Nana from After School! She's totally one of my favourite girls because she's so pretty and doll-like (i'm a shallow person *__*). Had always wanted to try something grey-scale with at least 3 colours, but they are forever ended up gloomy, dark, and just plain and white fml. It's snowing too wtf lol. By the way, I had a TVXQ layout done and coded as well :D because their special day is arriving and I miss them.



After all the ballads downloaded and played over and over again, after all the tears shed and dried and after all the encouragements said to oneself, it was embarrassing to admit that after the so many days I had lost count of, I did not feel better, not slightly, not at all.

I've no idea how to soothe this too unfamiliar ache in my heart and I admire those who are capable of carrying this painful sorrow with a smile on their faces everyday. 


I'm feeling like saudade

A word difficult to translate adequately, which describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which is lost. It often carries a fatalist tone and a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might really never return.

As a "vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist ... a turning towards the past or towards the future".

As "the love that remains" or "the love that stays" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence.

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Tuesday, November 30, 2010 // 4:44 am



while others say how his age is showing,
i say i love how he is slowly losing his prettiness and 
becoming more manly each time we see him

i love his new hair by the way ^^ 
it made his handsome features stand out even more ♥


"Have you ever questioned why there were always big winds before the season which the fruits fully ripens?"  

My religion mate asked me this the previous Saturday. I had never wondered, nor even knew about it.

I told him my general knowledge towards the Earth and Nature are shallow. He then continued asking me, "Don't you feel that the gods were a little unfair? If there aren't big winds, more fruits could have riped before they fell onto the ground due the to strong impact. Imagine those fruits which had to be thrown away, what a waste."

I kept silent, knowing he had so much more to share. I waited in anticipation of the next part of his story. My eyes fixed onto his, showing interest and awaiting.

"They said the big winds was to eliminate fruits in a bad shape. Only fruits which can successfully withstand the strong pressure are the good ones and they will be the only ones which will be fully ripen and later on consumed."

The beauty of nature, of the gods' creation.

Then again, doesn't this applies to all human beings like me, like you and like our boys as well? They take the good with the bad, but in the end, they come out stronger and shine brighter. They are truly what every human should be.

Sometimes I do wonder what will happened if they didn't file that lawsuit on that particular year. I know, and we all know and are certain of, they will still be topping the charts, still be epic as ever.

But really, what I'm most definite of at this moment is that, it will be a shame if they didn't file the lawsuit.

Listen and hear the new songs they composed. See how much they had improved. Especially Pierrot, they are now linking a pantomime character or external resources to their music, to their performances (e.g. the white masks during Pierrot), it's just fucking amazing. Most importantly, we got to hear their determination through lyrics, their emotions, their thoughts, their music. Would we able to hear such good pieces if they didn't file the lawsuit? Sadly, no, that bloody company is there to tie them down of their talents.

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate their Twitter existence? I remembered how much I was almost protesting the idea because the thought of them having stalkers are.... freaky, but it is a total different story right now.

It wasn't just because we could see Junsu's half-naked selcas, Yoochun's fan-service and Jaejoong's I-love-yous. Instead, it was because I can see the side of them, the kindness and how truly genuine and appreciative they are of the world despite how unfamiliar and how difficult the situation as of now. It was rare isn't it, to be able to see this actually exists in famous celebrities? Hell, it's rare to see this in normal human beings.

Therefore, I'm glad, really glad. So glad that sometimes.... I wondered if I'm worth to be their fan, when all I could give was love and support and they are always there, always prepared to give us even more.


My boys. Fly. Soar.
When the clouds clear, when the days of sorrow are over, we'll be met with joy, reconciliation and happiness.



4:42AM
quarrelled with mum 5 hours ago
had to prepare for school in less than an  hour
suffering from insomnia
dong bang shin ki on loop
consoling, comforting ....

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Thursday, November 18, 2010 // 3:21 am


“별 별 별 별 별” = 5 stars = Cassiopeia

“There was a time when I thought fans were just fans. But I was wrong. Looking at the people who suffered hardships and enjoyed good times because of me, when I look back at myself, I’ve realized there were a lot of times when I suffered hardships and enjoyed good times because of our fans. We’re all natural beings~ There is no number 1, each of us has a name. If we love and have consideration for everything at anytime and anywhere, in the end everything will become brighter. Thank you so much! Diary of a 25th year old – The End”

“Hahaha. There was a fan who wrote, ‘I once thought you were just a celebrity’. We have the same views. It would be sad if I finished my celebrity life without ever realizing this kind of mutual understanding.”

“When I read comments, people always call fans as groupies… in that case, I’m a Cassiopeia groupie! I’m going to sleep for real now~ Goodnight ^^ See you”

Double J is truly a sweet heart isn't he? He always come across my mind as the most dedicated and grateful person. I couldn't put this in words, but I love him so much for this. :'))

---

Just thought that it's time I dig out the deepest of my heart, I think it's safe to.... at least.

Despite how everyone felt differently towards this issue, I knew deep inside it wasn't this way, not anymore.

It was not a few days ago I realised you are not just another friend of mine. Would it be too much if I say that you are more like a soul-mate? Because a soul-mate pushes your buttons and pisses you off a regular basis, and they are the only one (other than your parents, of course) who makes you face your shit.

While you are chasing after my shadow, while I appeared nonchalant and annoyed, while this and while that, I'm getting so used to them. Have you wondered how I had slowly relied on your bullshits which made me frustrated and crazy?

I hate how I read in between the lines even though I didn't want to, I hate the salts of ambiguity, I hate the world in between black and white...

Like how I expected of you, you walked to the another end and found another new-found happiness. I was too difficult, and I think you wanted someone easier. I was too worried about you, and I didn't have the spirit to face the aftermath of the decision.

Not that I had regretted of course. If not for that, then there will never be this. There's no heartbreak, things ended clean. I wouldn't die because you aren't by my side, even though there would definitely be times when I missed those moments and how my heart had memorised how I felt then, but I wouldn't feel sad because I did.

Because love is all about finding someone you can't live without........ and you are certainly not the one.
Because I just thought you are someone whom I thought it will be nice to be with.

Everything back then belonged to the past, not the present, and I'm certain they are not going to be part of the future as well.

Stay healthy. Stay happy. Get a girl who is worth with what you can give.


p/p/s: I'm amazed how much I had changed as a person during this 2 years. I wondered what will happened if I actually worked hard for my "O" levels and ended up in another place? What would be in store for me in the road not taken? I'm all zen with the issues now. Just, boy, if you can't accept me when I'm in my worst and get pissed off, then lol, you don't the hell deserve my best either.

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Monday, October 18, 2010 // 1:39 am



MC: "How many copies will there be for the luxury edition of 'The Beginning'?"
"Niiiiine niiiiine niiiine niiine niiiiiiiiiine~~~"
MC: "How many nines?"
"Fiiiiiiivee~~"
MC: "Five is a special number eh?"



Warning: Jaejoong bias.

I woke up on that day and still not feeling the excitement, I was so calm that I didn't even went to the airport to welcome them to Singapore. On the contrary, as exaggerated as it may sound, the air was so much fresher with them breathing it along with us lol.

Reached the venue at around 3PM+ish to help with some O! stuffs. By doing some promotion by giving out our cards etc. Met loads of fans from the overseas, I think there's quite a number from Japan, Malaysia and China.

Met a few of my Twitter mates, and I'd the chance to watch fancams taken during the airport and ah, that's when I went totally frenzy. The only words that could came out of my month was, "Omg it's really Jaejoong." LOL.



O! Shirt.




Promotional cards and stickers.




TVXQ's lightstick and that little red rectangular thing was actually a customized chocolate.




And this is the most interesting part of the chocolate lol. Since it couldn't be seen clearly....

Ingredients:  Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu, Vocal Ability, Harmony and Melody, Dancing Skills, Gaging Skills, Looks, Height, Fashion, Record-breaking Singles and Albums, Friendship, Unity, Teamwork, Cassiopeia, Bigeast, iCassies, Love, Belief, Hope, Faith.

May cause intoxication, nosebleeds, heart attack, excessive fangirl/boy-ing.

The hilarious thing was, while queueing to get inside the hall, the door opened the fucking second I was eating my chocolate, and I got so nervous and jumpy that everyone around me were commenting how the chocolate actually contains those stuffs. .__.

The guards were very strict regarding the whole no photo-taking/video-ing rule. I had about three guards around my area, and it was impossible to even take out your camera despite that you had succeeded sneaking one in.

Still, I thought my seat wasn't that bad as I had imagined, so yes, everything went well and I bought "The Beginning Regular Edition".





I'm still waiting for the limited edition box to be released and so CDJapan and pali ship my copy over.

...

And so, the lights dimmed, and everyone light up their red lightsticks creating a red ocean. Never in my life I could imagine that I would be part of it this fast. The red ocean was beyond pretty that I couldn't even describe how I felt at the moment. It was wonderful.



Our gods rose from the middle in white, with the song "Empty". Jaejoong was wearing a white blazer, buttoned up, along with white pants. It was different from the Korea's showcase. His moobs can be seeeen lol, and his tattoo as well kekekekekekekeke. He's handsome and gorjaeous (please don't mistake this word for gorgeous, they are two very different things), and I was going, "OMG OMG OMG IT'S JAEJOOOOOONG!" Ahem. LOL.

The next song was, "Be The One", and fuck their hip thrust *____*

A video, "To You from JYJ" was played when they left the stage. They were soooooooo cute, smiling and cute and smiling yeah. I was squealing, literally.

Next performance on stage was, "Be My Girl". This is when I had relaxed and was really listening to their singing and such. But the dance moves for "Baby baby baby baby baby" part was so.......... ohmygodsun. They then left the stage with Yoochun's "Thank you!".

Another video about their days in L.A was played. I tear a bit listening the American producers speak every word of praise about our boys, and most of the time, it was how hard they are willing to work. I felt so proud of them that the emotions then were undescribable. I want to applause for them, give them a pat on their shoulder, for going through so much, and succeeding so much at the end. Boys, you guys have done well!

Later on, the MC came on stage and introduced the, "Be My Hubby Project". There were a total of three steps, first is to say "Annyeonghasaeyo", and followed by, "Saranghaeyo Jaejoong, Yoochun, Junsu" and lastly sing the chorus of "Ayyyy Girl". After a number of practices (which we terribly failed to sing), the translator was invited and our boys were back on stage again with a different outfit. Jaejoong had a t-shirt, a jacket and jeans on.

MC asked them to introduced themselves, Junsu said it in the normal Korean way, Yoochun said, "Hi guys. My name is Micky!" in English, while Jaejoong said, "Hi, how are you? I'm JJ." in English as well. He was so damn adorable I can't even, and I really thought my life had ended that moment he introduced himself that way.

The MC asked them some questions. One of them were regarding their habits, and Junsu answered he prefers the chorus at the left side, Jaejoong loves it at the right, and Yoochun said, "On top."

I don't really remembered the details, but Jaejoong did mentioned that he couldn't believe he was working with Kanye West until he saw him at the recording studio, Yoochun and Jaejoong were pushing most of the questions to Junsu to answer (LOL). There's also a part when the MC asked who's the one who cries easily, and we answered, "Yooochuuun~". He then admitted he almost wanted to cry when he received the album.

MC (his name is Ken by the way) asked one of them to dance their favourite dance move, and the whole hall was chanting, "Junsu! Junsu!". He danced the omgsun "Baby baby baby baby baby" part lol, which I don't think that was his favourite dance move but he knows that we love it LOL.

As usual, the most frequent question about their ideal partner, the whole hall was screaming "Yunho!" or "U-Know" (including me) when Jaejoong was answering the question. He was, "Hai~" "Hai~" which a smile, and later on covered his mouth and laughed like the usual we see on DVDs. I guess all of us know what answer he gave and he added that, "It doesn't matter as long as the person likes him." Junsu were going shaking his head and waving his hand at him with disapproval, meaning it was a lie lmao. But he was neglected (lol like usual) because the MC was paying attention to Yoochun instead.

In the middle of the small interview, Yoochun was constantly teasing the translator, he was so nervous and his Korean sentences' phrasings were weird lol. In the end, it was Yoochun who was translating for Jaejoong and Junsu instead. *laughs*

We did the Hubby Project, and we phaaaaaailed to sing again. Yoochun and Jaejoong were guiding us with their amazing harmony (it's like an accapella version of Ayyy Girl)  but we still suck. Ken commented in English, "You guys are busy screaming instead of singing." and Jaejoong added, "I agree." in Korean. Three of them laughed at our fail and Junsu literally came out of his chair and laughed + facepalm. Still, he said that we're "Velli good".

Ken also did mentioned how there were overseas fans who flew here just to see them. It was normal in the beginning, but everyone went high and screamed that we were from the Moon, and at the end, everyone in the hall came from Korea. The boys laughed at us, especially Soulmate. OD

Jaejoong introduced the next song they are going to perform -- "Chajatta". That's when the 'W' project started.



We were singing along with them especially the chorus, and it's fucking amazing. It was also kind of amusing that we sing a Korean song better than an English one.

There's another video after this which was bitter-sweet especially Jaejoong's answer. He was talking about how he couldn't sing forever, how he wanted to work hard and make a difference.

They know the clock is ticking, that time doesn't wait for man, and here they are, striving hard for their dreams, and thus they won't have any regrets. I find that so admirable, and I cried, for the third time.



At the end of Ayyy Girl which Jaejoong was so sensual while dancing to the rap for the first minute, I love his high pitch as well, he was.... *insert suitable words here*, we raised up the "Keep in Mind that I Love You" banner. At first I thought the banner was completely stupid, but the feeling was so good when everyone was doing it together. It was so heart-warming, and Jaejoong was nodding his head as if telling us, "I understand......" and Yoochun screamed, "Always Keep The Faith!"

Lastly, they did Empty Remix! It was the most awesomest, wonderfulest part of the whole showcase. Yoochun told us to stand up, and everyone started running all the way close to the stage. Everyone did the "traditonal" 'Jump Jump Jump', it was so much fun. I could only watch this atmosphere in my DVDs, I never thought it would feel even more amazing that I had expected. Despite that we couldn't really see their faces that time, but it doesn't matter anymore, we are one red ocean, jumping together, like a heartbeat, beating together in sync.


I think that idols these days follow what they were told to, their choreography for every performances were the same. But I don't think music should be in this way, it is something which has no rules, no boundaries, no edge. Like how we didn't care about the no-standing-up rule, how they forgotten their dance choreography, how Junsu was running around the stage, Soulmate were jumping and how they neglected the lyrics when all of us were screaming, "Jump! Jump! Jump!" instead. Because we were happy that time, we show that and that we were enjoying ourselves at that moment, that second.

I think music should be something like this. Our boys had did it. I hope that they will be able to fly even higher in the future. You'll have our support always.

"Keep in Mind that I Love You"
"Always Keep The Faith"
161010



p/s: pictures taken at the expo hall itself (except the first photo) are not by me. i've no idea who were the photo-takers, but do ask if you want to be credited here.

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5 Comments






Saturday, October 16, 2010 // 2:33 am



Our boys are so successful and I'm so proud, they have matured from bubbly personalities to a worldwide artist. This is their conscientious and concerted effort towards the end; their an earnest attempt. It really doesn't matter if they are JYJ or TVXQ which I've no idea why people were uncomfortable or picky about the whole thing when at the end of the story, they are just another group name.

I'm not feeling any excitement despite we're going to breathe the same air in less than 24 hours. The fact that I'll be listening to him LIVE feels too surreal and is not sinking in.

I feel more worried and nervous. Like I am going to have a big examination the next day, just 389374847575 times worse lol, I do know it's an important date but not feeling excited, yet more uneasy and concerned if I am fully prepared, checking through things again and again just to be sure nothing is left out.

And here I am, praying that nothing will go wrong later, and that everything will go right.....

PS: I had convinced myself that Empty is written for a particular company.

Girl, I swear
I’m never going through this again
I know that you thought you’d win
And before I give you another try
I’d die

Love won’t make you cry or ask why
Oh why
So I’ll deny my heart 'cause I won’t live a lie
Why try

Your heart is empty
And you’re so cold
You don’t care about you and I
Your heart is empty
You won’t let go
But I’m walkin' out this life

Why can’t you let it go
Why can’t you let it go
(Let it go, let it go)
Girl because your heart is empty

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2 Comments






Wednesday, September 22, 2010 // 3:54 am




那一道光芒,猶如你醉人的笑容,
活一世,總有不同的經歷与感受,
需要一盞明燈在寂寞孤獨的時候指引方向
順著你雙臂指引的地方, 一道光芒划過
從此
心中的一角有你填補 那五彩斑斕
殘喘的傷痛有你慰藉 那回眸百媚
孤獨也點燃了一盞明燈, 從此歡樂跳耀著閃現在每一個瞬間

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Friday, September 17, 2010 // 3:41 am


"For you, it's separation. To me, it's waiting."
— Jaejoong

Edit, edit, saved as draft, delete draft, new post, edit, save draft. I had too much thoughts in my mind that I can't even start off this entry in a proper manner. This is another attempt, the last one too, because I'm really determined to publish this.

Regarding the latest news, which I have no intention to include here at first, everyone's a human, so there's no point hating. I'm worried, yes I do, but at the same time, I do believe that our boys are prepared and know fairly well what they are doing at the moment. Everything is easy, as long as you believe.

I received a trick question a few days ago. I didn't answer it though, because it was beyond my knowledge to, my English vocabulary is very limited for something as broad as this, and it was something which I wouldn't want to answer just because someone asked.

Why? ... I once asked myself too, and everytime I would fail to give myself a proper response. I laughed at the question though, sometimes, was it even 'love'?

Still and all, whenever I was about to fall into a state of depression, he continually chase the negative thoughts away, whenever I was about to give up, his determination makes me want to go further, whenever I was slacking off and wandered off from the road, his hard work and today's achievements reminds me that I reap what I sow. Whenever I bit my lips to stop crying when listening to 'W' on the bus, his tears when he was singing it made me felt it was okay to cry, it was okay even though I'm at a public place -- I just had to remind myself that I had to be stronger afterwards.

He makes me worried -- all the time -- from travelling to Bangkok or LA to shitty issues like the lawsuit. He is forever bringing out the green monster inside me, and I felt ashamed, extremely. But he is also the first whom I thought I had to held those emotions back for. That's why I can never hate or even dislike those female celebrities. I admire them, from the bottom of my heart, and no matter how hard it will be, I will watch them, all of them, so that I can praise him, to acclaim how much he had improved. He is also the first whom I have absolute faith and believe in what cannot be seen yet.

It might not be love, since I'm too young to understand that and very inexperienced, but he's certainly someone whom had affected the most of my life, something everyone around me did not. I will never want to let him go. He will be rooted in me, like a flower, beautifully.



the last person who saw my tears was a stranger
and he was probably wondering why this miserable girl in tears was not wearing her heels in the room but instead, outside


he walked passed me with a mumbled, "what happened?"
what was that i heard? was it pure care and concern? or was it just curiousity? or was it because i was just being too odd?

i didn't reply this stranger though. hell, i had never really replied to that question before
i turned around. staring. not the rude one, but i was much surprised and i was searching, for any pure concern in his eyes

he gave me a smile, and a thumb-up sign, before returning to his room

... ...

how was it possible

that someone. a stranger. knew what i needed that moment.

that

he understood.

and those whom i thought will. never did.


what's left was those e-mails, those tweets, and those smses that came too late and structured in the too wrong way to restore my faith

"I talk about cuts, whereby the defined line we draw between each other becomes clear."  - My Linh

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3 Comments






Wednesday, September 08, 2010 // 3:26 pm


Before I start this entry, I'm an attention whore so.... I've just created a Tumblr account: http://jejunie.tumblr.com/ (Y)




for all the cassies out there

It all starts unknowingly, like everyone else - you’ve stumbled upon some webpage, or watched some program on your television and went back to look them up. DBSK. Dong Bang Shin Ki, or Tong Vfang Xien Qi and TVXQ. You scrunch your eyebrows a little at the many variations of their names; curiosity piqued, you read on anyway.

You’ve heard about them before - who hasn’t? From perhaps a friend or through the media, you’ve heard about their music, their success and everything else in between. But only bits and pieces of random facts here and there are floating around your brain - you didn’t bother to find out more, until now. And when you read on, suddenly every fact you knew starts to join together - puzzle pieces fixing almost immediately - and u-know becomes U Know Yunho; Hero and Jaejoong are actually the same person; Purple Line wasn’t their debut song; Cassiopeia was the name of their fanclub and Dong Bang Shin Ki naturally equates to the Rising Gods of the East.

Cassiopeia, you read, is the largest fanclub in the entire world. You think in wistful longing how amazing it would be to be part of that fanclub - but you dare not consider yourself as a Cassie anytime soon, and so you determinedly begin your search to fill your brain with more information about them and fill your hard drive with more gigabytes of pictures and videos.

You laugh appreciatively at Balloons, giggling to yourself at the adorableness, and melt a little when you see their Mirotic PV. You squeal a little when you watch them debut through the tiny little Youtube window, and soon begin to love them as U-Know Yunho, Youngwoong Jaejoong, Micky Yoochun, Xiah Junsu and Choikang Changmin. You think this is by far the best fandom that you’ve ever gotten yourself into.

Soon your iTunes is filled with their songs, and your media player repeatedly abused. You cry a little every time they injure themselves, and cheer your heart out whenever they perform, pumping your hands excitedly in the air in front of a computer screen. You start raving to your friends about how awesome, amazing, epic, cool, wonderful, best thing that ever happened DBSK is, and retaliate furiously when they think f(other korean groups) are better. How can anyone be better than those five together, you think dreamily to yourself, as you purchase the latest merchandise they released.

And not long after U-Know Yunho doesn’t only become U-Know Yunho to you, but the Yunho you admire so very much. The Yunho who drank glue (to your horror) given by an anti-fan, and yet requested not to press charges. Just becauseshe reminded him of his sister. You’ve never met anyone with such a big heart.

Youngwoong Jaejoong isn’t just a pretty face with a beautiful voice anymore, but someone who has been through life’s hardships and a role model to everyone else. You constantly wonder how he managed to plow through everything - from struggling to pay the rent to his adoption, or how he manages to pick himself up with every setback. You’ve never met anyone so brave, and you think, with all your heart, that he deserves every bit of the fame he’s gained.

Micky Yoochun isn’t someone cool or detached, but he’s Park Yoochun - always the first to cry in award ceremonies, the guy from America who raps in their songs. You read in Wikipedia about some of their composition, and quirk an eyebrow when you see Kiss Shita Mama, Sayonara composed by him. The title seemed awkward enough to you, but you decide to give it a listen anyway. It was the most beautiful and saddest thing you’ve ever heard. And soon it grows to Love Bye LoveMy Girlfriend and so much more. You’ve never met anyone so amazing at composition.

Xiah Junsu, you find out, isn’t the maknae, despite his cute concept. He’s not just a guy with a brilliant voice that sailed through auditions and trainings in SM easily. He’s the one who trained the longest among all of them - the one who had to deal with additional training and struggling with his changing voice, yet come back even greater than anyone else. You find out he has a twin, Kim Junho, who sings as well. But secretly you think Kim Junsu is better - just because you might be a little biased. You’ve never met anyone with such a beautiful voice before.

Choikang Changmin, you note with a little laugh, is also Max Changmin - stage name an awkward mesh of English and Korean. Now he’s the real maknae, and you can see why when you watch some of his videos. He’s the adorable one, you think to yourself, heart racing a little faster when Changmin smiles with his mismatched eyes. Changmin, you find out with surprise, is the one that screams during Mirotic, that high note that never fails to make you wonder if anyone else could ever reach it. You find out he joins SM so very young, when everyone else is busy making sense of math equations, and reel in amazement at his sheer talent and determination. And yet, above everything, you’ve never met anyone with such a big appetite (for food, for reaching dreams, for success, for everything).

And Dong Bang Shin Ki, or TVXQ, or Tohoshinki, you think, is really the best thing that’s ever happened to Korean music. The best thing that you’ve ever stumbled upon. You note with pride at their singing ability - much unlike the other groups who can’t seem to sing for their career. How they manage to sing acapella effortlessly, how they hit note after note with apparent ease is something that’s unique to DBSK, and only DBSK. And combined with their personalities, you think that it’s just so hard not to fall in love with them.

So you start a little late, but follow them through every variety show appearance, every concert and every performance. You remain devoted to only them, never looking the other way when another group releases a catchy song, or when a particularly interesting group debuts. You’ve decided that your heart belongs to Dong Bang Shin Ki, and Dong Bang Shin Ki alone.

And when the lawsuit happened, you think your life ground to a sickening standstill. You cry a little every night at their prospective breakup, and cry even more when they asked you to Keep the FaithWhat faith is there to keep when the only faith I had is breaking? you ask yourself miserably, but nonetheless, because your love for them wins out, you kept the faith safely inside your heart.

Everything begins to crash around you as their activities as a group were brought to a halt. And then came JYJ, and Yunho and Changmin - not DBSK, and you think you can’t take it anymore. The stage without five seemed so empty. You know you should be happy for them, happy that they’re finally free, but you can’t bring yourself to feel happy. You miss the five of them together too much.

And sometimes at night when you go to bed you dream of no lawsuit, and them performing together again on Music Bank. You dream of the sea of red that is Cassiopeia, the best fanclub in the entire world, and you dream of their smiling faces once again. You wake up a little perturbed, but a little more determined each time to pull through the storm.

Months passed, and JYJ seems to have gone to a point of no return, with music videos and performances and one comeback after the other. Yunho seems to have fallen in love with musicals - appearing so frequently you think he’s never coming back to the music scene. Changmin finally begins to act like how his age should, going to the University and studying for tests in the quaint little cafe just beside the SM building. Your heart clenches a little at how well they adapted to their new lifestyle, and wonder if there was still any faith left to keep.

But you wait, you wait and wait until all your tears for them run dry and all merchandise bought. So when they announce the comeback of Dong Bang Shin Ki, you think that it was the happiest day of your life. Your heart swells in happiness, and you cry even more as you rewind the announcement just to hear it again for confirmation.

And when they stand on the same stage and sing the same song once again, you let yourself relax a little - grateful that the wait was worth the end. Because this is Dong Bang Shin Ki. This is why you fell in love with them in the first place.

This is them, at their best.

“Having different names or being at different places won’t make a difference if all of our hearts beat as one.”

Always Keep The Faith

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inspired by someone’s comment on some post in sharingyoochun - where she/he said: Having different names or being at different places won’t make a difference if all of our hearts beat as one.


credit: http://pikasu.livejournal.com/11487.html

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4 Comments






Saturday, August 28, 2010 // 11:33 pm



いつだって君に To You, Always
It does feel empty yes, but it is so breathlessly beautiful, nonetheless.

"なにを言ったらいいか わからない苦しみに
本当の言葉を 放りだしてしまいたくなってたんだ
なのにずっと愛は 変わらないままに
見えない絆 確かに繋いでいた
そう心が選ぶ道なら どこまでも歩いてゆける
あの日 Better make it through the loneliness
さあ思い出から 夢の続き探し始めてみないか・・・
Let’s start from our memories, searching for our dreams once more・・・"


Somehow, a continuation from this entry:
http://orij-gnin.blogspot.com/2010/06/jyj-thanksgiving-goods.html

Banzai! All my goods arrived safely to Singapore :D



Thanksgiving Concert towel, Jejung towel, cellphone chain/bracelet, Jejung notebook and Jejung poster. I'm so bias I know looooool. There's no individual photos because I'm lazy but the cellphone chain looked so much prettier than the image mu-mo provides. I've spent like 230SGD solely on Thanksgiving Concert goods 8Dv




Another bunch of new accessories (Jaejung-style duh I'm a bias shit) from Asmama :D 

I'm a happy kid. ^_^

Just to be random, I miss this.



and I love the tee Jaejung is wearing in the photo at the start of the this entry. I literally went crazy yesterday night on Twitter because I want it so badly asdfghjklkjhgfdsaiwanttheshirt. ;___;

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